Attention: Women or men who want to fight fair and have loving relationships
“If Disputes have turned your relationship into a challenging experience, this page may be the turning point to restore security and trust.
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Yes, You Can Rediscover The Same Feelings of Being Accepted And Loved By Your Partner.
Date: Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Dear friend,
Sometimes in life we do things without paying attention to their consequences..the way we relate to others seems to us “natural” and “the way we are.” without thinking of the necessary choices that brought us to this exact point. Nobody told you that there was a HEALTHY way to discuss shared issues, very much opposed to the DIRTY TRICKS way to defend your needs and interests, and now you and your family group are paying the price.
It’s healthy for every relationship, every marriage to include some level of disagreement and adjustment. Each person has different stories, homes and ways of thinking, and they must negotiate an agreement on how to do things together. Some couples fight more, some couples fight less, but what is really important is the way they fight. According to recent studies that compare relationships that survive, grow and deepen into a shared love, and the ones that become progressively more aggressive and ugly, the most important factor is the way they deal with the differences. Their secret is that they learn how go from “My View, your Problem” to “We share this problem”.
When winning is more important than understanding, couples self-destruct by fighting in ways that damage the trust and respect that are necessary for the relationship. They get desperate when they don’t understand each other’s needs and then resort to attacks and put downs, escalating the disputes. Couples with too many dirty tricks lose respect for each other, and come to expect only more attacks and nastiness. Their fights are random, unpredictable and, because they lack structure can easily end in more vicious attacks to self-respect. Two people who loved each other can end up destroying the same person they loved, because of the negative feelings produced by constant fighting.
Fair Fighting is a set of ground rules for handling differences and conflict in a respectful way. Since few people have learned how to handle fights well, very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussions in a safe way, restoring safety and trust, and blocking negative explosions.
Are you fighting dirty without realizing it?
I grew up in a household where there were no “Fair Fighting” rules. We made up our own and rarely felt heard. It took me years of training to learn how to fight fair in relationships. I want to save you alot of time and money and give you tools to begin to learn how to fight fair in a relationship so you can keep the love you have for your partner alive.
If practice some of the tips in the book, you could now find yourself doing “naturally” a set of behaviors patterned upon a “relationship model,” that is as damaging as toxic waste to any marriage. When daily put downs or misunderstandings occur, they often leave a residue of disappointment, anger or resentment. This residue accumulates over time to create an environment progressively more and more set against personal intimacy. Now, the only messages going back and forth are attacks and self-defense. How sad is this for a relationship chosen because it had the promise of love and acceptance?
Whether we keep fighting to maintain our precarious “superior position,” or to protest our “humble position” we lose track of the basic fact of life: conflict is a natural part of the relationship and needs social skills that have to be learned. The hope for a good relationship is lost. We get stuck in an oppositional relationship, try to maintain this level using whatever tricks we learned before with others, and even call this “love.”
The results are now devastating:
Your partner doesn’t trust that you will treat her with respect, because you have demonstrated that you can do dirty tricks at any time!
We tend to think that sudden angry outbursts are just forgotten when we say “sorry.” At that moment, we got carried away by our anger and reacted with behaviors considered normal when we believe we are defending ourselves from external enemies. But your spouse is not your enemy! It looks bad enough to let anger shape our “spontaneous” reactions to the person we love most, but there are more insidious long term effects of using dirty tricks when we fight.
Let’s have a look at them:
When Dirty Tricks are used, this is what happens:
- KITCHEN SINK WAY : it allows you to remember and say to your partner all the negative things that you can gather, even if they are not relevant and belong to the past. You show yourself as mean spirited and vengeful, and let the other person think that you are not trustable with personal information that can be used against them.
- PERSONAL ATTACKS & INSULTS: you show that you have a “street fighter” mindset, not at the same level of what is needed for a personal relationship. The difference is day or night, as it hinges on destroying the other person’s image as a friend, or correcting the difference and rescuing the other as a trusted partner.
- SCAPEGOATING: when blaming another for what you did instead of taking full responsibility for your actions, either well intentioned or not, you show that you are not mature enough to be the owner of your own actions and their consequences.
- GENERALIZING:, your way of not taking responsibility is diluting the act on a general frame where nobody has to be grown up enough to accept individual causation. The “mistakes were made” frame absolves everybody but never heals the other person’s pain.
- YELLING AND SCREAMING: now you are a child throwing a temper tantrum and getting to win your demand by overwhelming the other person. This is fatal to any relationship: you’ve scared the other person away and showed yourself incapable of self-restraint.
- THREATENING: shows that you are ignorant of the skills necessary to negotiate as an adult, and prefer to scare the other person with your violence threats. You are going nowhere fast, and don’t expect the other person, even if momentarily cowing in submission, to respect or appreciate you the least.
- NAME CALLING: you are telling that, in the bottom of your heart, you don’t accept your partner as an equal. It demonstrates that you think that the other person is somehow inferior and deserving your calling derogatory names to him/her. This attitude destroys a sense of shared companionship and trust.
- PHYSICAL OR ANY PAIN INFLICTING: you have seriously crossed a delicate line, trespassing into the other person’s individual space. This is usually a very serious event, which leaves the other person afraid of you and not trusting your ability to respect basic interpersonal boundaries.
| Dirty tricks really can destroy a good relationship.
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” FAIR FIGHTING FOR COUPLES ”
Only $12.99!
This ebook was created to help you gradually build your ability to negotiate fairly with your partner, so you will :
- Feel always empowered, because you know what to do
- Accept that conflict is a way of learning about what to change in your marriage
- Feel always secure and with a sense of direction
- Identify negative aspects in your relationship and face them
- Attract the happiness you dream of
- Negotiate with confidence any difficult issue.
- Communicate your views with ease, even in stressful situations.
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I have never had the strength to confront angry women in my family, but at the same time I was ashamed of having another outburst from my own bad temper. I would never apologize, and people would be hurt around me! It was better to wait until the episode was forgotten and then go back to normal life. Well, my girlfriend didn’t let me get away so easily; she forced me to confront her, but invited me to do a process named “Fair Fighting.” It was easy, because you have to follow the rules, and it gave me a structure to follow. The best part was that I was able to tell her how much aggravating for me was her routine of endless calls to her friends and mother at any time of the day, but especially when I was around! She listened to me, and offered a compromise: she will use the phone in the mornings, and reserve afternoons for me, if I will not pout all night. Great process, and I did not even have to yell! Joe G. Wilson, Scottsdale, AZ |
Here is a small example from the eBook, PAGES 2-3:
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A FIGHT TOLD: CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE YOURS? Ann and Donald have spent the last five years married to each other. They are stuck in a conversation that goes nowhere, in repetitive circles. The main topic of conversation, on the surface, is his complaint that she is always jealous of other women. The dialogue can be read also as a dance, in which both are fishing for recognition from the other. Here, the underlying recognition needs are barely expressed, but they are pushing the dialogue in certain ways in order to get some satisfaction: Ann: I have a hard time trusting you not to cheat. I guess I’m just insecure. ( Ann opens the gambit by referring obliquely to her hidden need: “Confirm me by telling me that you love only me, because I’m insecure and need you to reaffirm that I’m lovable. “) Donald: I won’t cheat on you. I know what would happen if I got caught. Wait! I mean I wouldn’t want to lose you. ( He doesn’t hear her needs, and is only defending himself from the accusation of cheating. He is not connected with the “hidden needs” conversation. it doesn’t help their connecting.) Ann: That’s better. but how come you’re never jealous? Donald: Because I trust you. Other guys don’t threaten me. ( Again, he is immersed in an imaginary world where his worth comes from competing with other guys, and doesn’t get her need to hear him declare his attraction to her.) Ann: Could you be a little jealous? ( She can’t directly ask the question: “Could you say that I’m the most important person in your world?” If she does, and he answers “Yes, you are!” it will be worthless to her, because it is not spontaneously offered, but prompted.) Donald: Is this a joke? Why are you asking me to play a game now? ( Well, at least he begins to see that there is “a game” being played here, but he still doesn’t exactly understand the nature of the game. This is the point where he begins to see her as crazy and demanding – suffocating him with hidden demands he can’t fulfill because they are silent. His built up and growing frustration will lead to anger, perhaps even violence.) Ann: Oh my god. You are so unsympathetic. (She is ready to give up; he will never acknowledge her deep need, and that is that.) Donald: Only in your eyes, I don’t know why you get to say that! Ann: Fine, leave me alone, you aren’t capable of understanding what I’m saying. Please, go away! (She is ready to shut down, and abandon the expectation of being recognized by him. Her frustration will appear as persistent silence, withdrawal and blaming him as an insensitive, selfish person.) Donald: Well, I can be jealous if you want me to. I’m probably more jealous than I let on. ( He is beginning to acknowledge her needs, and validates her jealousy with his own, producing a dialogue parity that could be the beginning of a real conversation) Ann: Exactly, you never show your feelings! You are as closed as a clam! (She misses the point, so enraged by her feelings of being rejected after waiting so long for his little bit of recognition that she ignores the only moment when she is being recognized. too little, too late validation?) Donald: Is this what I get if I acknowledge that I feel jealous sometimes? Only to be scolded by you? ( He needs more recognition for his opening up of feelings. perhaps some support and recognition that he is as sensible a guy as everybody else. If he could say, “Wait, if you don’t scold me, I could continue telling you how important you are to me, so you can tell me what a marvelous person I am for you,” she would be happy, and he would be learning a valuable communication skill. ) Ann: Well, no. you said something important, and I wasn’t paying enough attention, sorry. Let’s begin again? Throughout this dialogue, we can see the two levels: the objective level of the dispute about jealousy and the hidden dance of recognition underneath, which is really prompting the interaction. If both could begin to remember that the longing for recognition is prompting all complaints – and both would express it – then the conversation about concrete differences would be resolved quickly. |
This short piece is enough to give you an idea of how you can get to understand what people really fight for, in a realistic way. Discover how to definitively replace shouting and bad feelings with the most amazing tool for showing your beloved that you care for the relationship!
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www.conflictskillscoach.com
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