Welcome to Resolve this Conflict!

Posted on December 10, 2010 by Cathy Morrey



Thanks for your interest in resolve this conflict!  I help individuals, couples, families, teams, and organizations resolve communication problems and conflict.   I live in San Jose, California and coach people in person who live or visit the bay area.  I also coach people by phone all over the United States. 

Conflicts come in all sizes from slight misunderstandings or disagreements, lack of trust, mis-communications to big upsets.  I look forward to providing you with many tools and tips that will help you resolve conflict or communication breakdowns with people who are important to you in your personal and professional life.  Feel free to browse my website and let me know how I can be of service to you!

Many of us avoid conflict because we are afraid of hurting people we care about. We often pretend it is not there. However, there are almost no authentic relationships I know that do not have conflict from time to time.  When you have people with different backgrounds,  personalities and points of view, conflict will most likey come up from time to time.

When faced with how to resolve this conflict, the worst thing that you can do is to avoid it. When you avoid conflict, the relationship will suffer. It’s the things that are left unsaid that create the gap between two people. They chip away at the relationship until one day, you wake up and realize how far apart you’ve grown.

When faced with conflict, the best thing to do is to face it head on. Here are some things to consider in order to resolve conflict effectively.  Continue reading →

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Serious Illness can cause Conflict with family

Posted on June 6, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

Dealing with a serious illness often cause conflict with family members.
The news of a serious diagnosis very often draws family members to the patient’s bedside. Realizing that time may be limited, relatives will often go to great lengths to be with their loved one. This closeness has the potential of providing warmth and social support. It can also generate tension. As the family gathers in this difficult circumstance, tempers can be short and old patterns of interaction can become more extreme. Below are insights that may be helpful in resolving conflict with family members.

Conflict with family over medical decisions

Frequently in serious illness, treatment decisions must be made quickly. It is not uncommon for relatives to have differing ideas about the best course. Some may feel their loved one should pursue aggressive treatments. Others may feel that therapies such as radiation and chemotherapy do not offer enough benefits given their negative effect on the limited time their family member may have.

Afternoon shower

It is medical custom for the physician to turn to the patient for a decision. Many cultures would agree with this protocol. However, many cultures consider treatment decisions a family matter. When relatives disagree about how the patient should proceed, or the patient feels differently than does the family, it might help everyone to examine their assumptions about treatment and illness. Continue reading →

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Knowing the different love languages

Posted on May 31, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

As most of you know, we all have different love languages.   We show and express love differently.  Sometimes conflict can occur when we are not feeling love from our partner.

What if having different love languages was not an issue any more? What if you could say or do just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved?  The secret is learning the right love language! Millions of couples have learned the simple way to express their feelings and bring joy back into marriage: The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller!  The book has been translated into more than 40 languages.

 This book has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good. 

Here are the five love languages: Continue reading →

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How do I forgive someone who hurt me or a loved one?

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

Have you ever wondered “how do I forgive someone” for hurting me or someone I love?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, condoning or excusing whatever happened. It’s acknowledging hurt and then letting it go, along with the burden of anger and resentment.  But this is not always an easy task.  We continue to ask ourselves, “How do I forgive someone” who has hurt me or a loved one?

There’s no single approach to learning how to forgive. Talking with a friend, therapist or adviser (spiritual or otherwise) may be helpful during the process, to sort through feelings and stay on track.  Take a minute to read this very inspiring story about a woman who forgave the man who killed her son.  Reading her story might help you find an answer to the question so many of us are looking for- “How do I forgive someone” who hurt me or a loved one?

Forgiving her Son’s Killer: “Not an easy Thing” (by NPR Staff)

How do I forgive someone who has hurt me or a loved one?
StoryCorps-Mary Johnson, 59, spoke with Oshea Israel, 34, at StoryCorps in Minneapolis

May 20, 2011

It would be easy — expected, even — for Mary Johnson and Oshea Israel to be enemies. After all, he killed Johnson’s only son, in 1993. He went to prison for that — and toward the end of his sentence, he and Johnson made peace.

As a teenager in Minneapolis, Israel was involved with gangs and drugs. One night at a party, he got into a fight with Laramiun Byrd, 20, and shot and killed him. Oshea is now 34; he finished serving his prison sentence for murder about a year and a half ago.

Israel recently visited StoryCorps with Johnson, to discuss their relationship — and the forgiveness it is built upon. As Johnson recalls, their first face-to-face conversation took place at Stillwater Prison, when Israel agreed to her repeated requests to see him. Continue reading →

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Dealing with Challenging People- Use these 4 Magic Phrases to Respond to Anything!

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

Dealing with challenging people is not an easy task.  When someone says something unkind to us, we often respond back in a reactive manner.  We wish we wouldn’t go down to their level, but sometimes we do. 

You probably think it takes days of communication skills training to become skilled at dealing with challenging people.  The good news is that it is much easier than you think. When dealing with challenging people, remain calm and ask questions instead of snapping back.   Watch this video and learn 4 magic phrases to respond to anything!!  If you can remember these 4 magic phrases when responding to difficult people with rude behaviors, you will surprised with your outcome.  

I love this video clip.  The next time someone throws an insult your way or does something that you don’t appreciate,  say  ”That’s interesting, why would you say that?” or  ”That’s interesting.   Tell me more” or “That’s interesting, why would you do that?” or  “That’s interesting, why would you ask that?”  If you can remember these 4 simple phrases, you will be on your way to becoming a master at dealing with challenging people!

Have you ever used any of these phrases or do you have some of your own?  I would love to hear from you.

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Do you try to WIN the argument or do you practice empathetic listening?

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

How often do you practice empathetic listening?

 More often than not, human beings forget about this very important tool called empathetic listening and prefer to “win” at the cost of their relationship.

The urge to win the argument is very familiar to many couples but is not an effective conflict strategy. Tell me if this scenario is familiar to you or someone you know.

 Partner #1 “You’re always working. You don’t spend enough time at home with the kids”. Partner #2 “Nothing is ever good enough for you,” “I’m always working because you’re always spending so much money.”

Partner 1. “At least I’m at home with the family, not married to my job. I might as well be single. In fact, I am.” Partner #2 “Yeah, but I’m not a critical bit… who’s bankrupting the family.”

The biggest source of conflict for couples isn’t money, sex, fidelity, child rearing, or in-laws. It’s the urge to win. Wanting to win, to be right makes us feel strong, safe and gratified. It’s also disastrous for a relationship. When the goal is winning instead of understanding, partners are more likely to ignore, or step on each other’s feelings. This leads to resentment and hostility and then to alienation. Remember, the urge to win the argument is not an effective conflict strategy.
Why do human beings continue to focus on defeating their partners rather than on hearing or understanding them? 1. Some people believe if they get the first punch, they believe they can avoid being humiliated or bullied. Continue reading →

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You can now teach your kids HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT at a young age- for FREE!

Posted on May 2, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

I love it when I can find tools to help kids learn how to resolve conflict.  I wished I would have learned about conflict resolution when I was a kid.  It would have saved me hundreds of hours of reading and training on how to resolve conflict.

Kids not only play together, they argue together. Kids fight over toys, friends, games, and food.  So it is important for parents to teach your kids how to resolve conflict before the arguements get too bad.  Now there is a new computer game that teaches kids how to resolve conflict in the classroom and on the playground  in a positive way without fists and fights.  It helps them learn how to solve bullying or school violence if these issues should occur.

                                            

The game, called “Cool School: Where Peace Rules” is designed by a team of teachers, government mediators, scientists and computer game developers & animators.  The game helps kids think about what happens in an acutal episode and gives them tips on how to resolve conflicts.  The kids can learn while having fun.  It also helps kids make good decisions.  Here is how the game works:  Continue reading →

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Manage conflict in a group by using Ground Rules to stay focused on your mission

Posted on April 30, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

To manage conflict with a group or team, we must be able to put some kind of consistant structure or rules into place.  Many good leaders and managers forget to do  this and end up with some very unproductive meetings. 

 To work together effectively, team members must be able to seek the best solution to a problem through communication. This can trigger disagreements. As a good manager, you don’t want disagreements to escalate into unpleasant conflicts so you need to manage conflict. However, you don’t want your team’s members to fail to seek different solutions to a problem because they think such action will cause conflicts. Failure to express different opinions and defend them can lead to the group thinking the same way, which can put an end to creative thinking among individuals.

You can confront the team members in the hope of getting them to recognize how their behavior is interfering with the team’s mission. This can work if team members report directly to you but not so effective if it is made up of individuals come from different parts of the organization.

One of the best things to do is refocus the group’s attention on the ground rules members agreed to use to achieve its goal and on the goal itself.

  Continue reading →

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Men and women differences in communication during an argument- You will love this funny flowchart!!!

Posted on April 20, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

Ever noticed?  Men and women differences in communication? Many people don’t realize there are men and women differences in communication that sometimes lead to conflict.  Women often don’t understand what men are saying and think they are being insensitive.  Men don’t often understand what women are saying and think they are too emotional.  Once we realize that men and women differences in communication exist with many couples, we can learn to understand each other better.

Men and women have very different ways of arguing.  So, in a better effort to help couples understand each other, Justin Halpern and Cory Jones decided to break down the thought process of both a man and woman, during an argument.

I think you will get a kick out of this flowchart.

And Here’s The Male Version:

Now that we understand that there might be men and women differences in communication, we can try to understand the underlying meaning of what is being said.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

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Conflict Styles- Which style do you use most?

Posted on April 13, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

There are a variety of conflict styles that people use to manage conflict.  However, there is no one correct way to handle every personal or workplace conflict. Each conflict is unique, and depending on the individual circumstances of the disagreement and the personalities involved, different strategies are needed to reach the best solution. According to Thomas Kilmann, there are five main conflict styles.   Being aware of how each of the five conflict styles can be helpful will increase your ability to work through conflict and maintain good working relationships. There can be positive and negative consequences to each approach.  The most effective approach in most circumstances is Collaboration- the win win approach.  Below are the five conflict styles.

Conflict Styles- Which style do you use most?

  • Accomodation- To surrender one’s own needs and wishes to accommodate the other party.  Sometimes we need to do this.  Something is important to your boss or co-workers and might not be as important to you. You may choose to accommodate.  Be careful to not always do this.  You might end up getting upset and feel like your needs are not getting met
  • Avoidance – To avoid or postpone conflict by ignoring it, changing the subject, etc. Avoidance can be useful as a temporary measure to buy time.  It might also be effective in dealing with very minor, non-recurring conflicts. In more severe cases, conflict avoidance can involve severing a relationship or leaving a group.  Just like with accommodation, avoidance can also cause you long term upset if this is how you handle conflict on a regular basis. Continue reading →
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Workplace Conflict Tips

Posted on April 6, 2011 by Cathy Morrey

Managing workplace conflict with a coworker doesn’t have to be difficult. In this article are seven steps that can help you deal with a conflict and even improve your work relationship.

1.  See workplace conflict as an opportunity.  Your perception of conflict has a direct impact on how it plays out in your life. If you embrace conflict and see it as an opportunity to better a situation or a relationship, then you’ll take on the challenge of seeing the confrontation through, regardless of how hard it may be, because you know that the ultimate benefit of working through a conflict will be worth it in the long run for both you and your working relationship with the other person.  Begin by breaking away from the following myths that conflict is negative and that conflict is about winning and losing.
2. Choose your battles  Take on the issues that matter to you and/or that impede you from being as effective as possible on the job and let the rest go. Life’s too short to be wasting any of your valuable time and energy on issues that ultimately don’t matter or that don’t impact you in a detrimental way.

Identify the benefits of resolving the problem for you, for your coworker, and for the people impacted by this conflict.  If the benefits of resolving your workplace conflict outweigh the cost of not resolving it, then you need to address the problem even if it is uncomfortable.


Continue reading →

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